i write. that is what i “do” and more or less, how i perceive myself (even in those months where writing never happens). my outlets have changed over the course of the last several years for this innate part of “chelseahood“, and i have struggled with where and when to put things out there. currently, i am finding myself in the middle of a completely new life. any major change that you can think of has probably crossed my path in the last year or so, and in the last 8 weeks, i seem to have settled into a foreign country of some kind that i am struggling to become familiar with. the only way that i can possibly think to come to terms with everything is to write it, name it, and familiarize myself with it. this blog is my attempt at that. it is meant for no one and for no other reason. who reads it is irrelevant.
if someone asked me to define myself right now, i am not sure how i would answer them. of course, there is never one thing that defines anyone–but all of the things that seemed to stick with me for a while have now dissolved. i left a job of 4 years that i loved. i became a graduate student after being out of school for 4 years. My marriage of 7 years ended (although i retain a great friendship with him). i started a new career in a brand new industry. just one of those things usually throws a person for a loop of some kind–and all of them have come at me since August 1st. Today is September 16th–so, not great spans of time in there, to say the least.
i can not define myself by my relationship, as that broke a while ago and is now just starting to unravel in a legal sense. i can not say i am married or single or even in between. i can’t say that relationship is “over”, as i really don’t think that will come for quite a while. and i can’t say that it is intact, as there simply isn’t anything to hold intact anymore. he is a voice on the other end of the phone now–with an occasional evening of time spent; which, let’s be honest, is how it has been for several years. the only difference is that now he sleeps in his own apartment. i miss him though. and i miss the ideal of marriage. i think that we had it for a while–in our innocent young years when not much was expected and a lot was given. that changed in the past 2 years–a lot expected and little given (i realize that you, as a reader are smart and didn’t need me to reverse that last part, as i am sure you figured it out on your own..lol). while i feel like both my husband and i have been transitioning out of our marriage for a while, this last step is heart wrenching. but our hearts will figure it out in time and in the end, i really do believe that we will always remain friends (that is something we are actually good at).
i can’t define myself by my career because it is too new for me to have even adapted to yet. my industry has completely changed, even though i had delved into the hospitality arena while working at my last job. i am learning everyday and i really like it–but i don’t yet have a firm grasp and therefore, i can’t really call it “mine” just yet. the good part is that everyone at my hotel for the most part is ridiculously cool and easy to get along with. no stuffy executives. although, there is sort of a culture of panic here, which takes some getting used to. i can’t take on panic at work–i have panic everywhere else. so, i try to let it roll off my graceful shoulders and move on. i hope to get better at this as time goes on. i also hope to relieve some of the reasons for panic and do my job in a sort of kick ass fashion. that fashion suites me best, i think.
and then there is school. i have been pining for graduate school since graduating with my undergraduate degree and i am SO SO SO thankful to finally be in an amazing program and one of the best liberal arts schools in the country. but let’s be honest, school is going to kick my little bum. i can’t believe how busy i have become in a matter of mere weeks. homework, school, work, homework, work, school, sleep, homework, work, etc etc. somewhere in there, i feed the 3 dogs and shower. i think. i really want to focus on school more than anything. i want to be present for all of the reading and sentence diagramming…but sometimes i am finding it hard not to be completely distracted by everything else outside of school. i am trying….i am trying to be a “student” again.
i see myself 6 months down the road with no firm image. hopefully, doing all of these same things but with more prowess and Independence. i hope to be in a place that is mine again. i hope to feel confident with the choices i have made. my life will have slowed a bit, i hope and the changes that are taking place will have paused for a breath, so that i can breath in a familiar pattern again.