nitty gritty

i haven’t cried in a long time. in fact, it has been weeks. maybe even months.
even in those moments of feeling overwhelmed or tired or scared or upset, i kept my shit together.
even in my car…which is saying something.

today ended my no crying streak.

i am sick of being strong. i am sick of being the one that has their shit together, no matter what. i work on positive thinking. on being happy. on not allowing myself to go to dark places. because, i can’t. i will get stuck.

rachael yamagata said something at her show that i have been thinking about.

she said that we should always allow ourselves to really FEEL something…even if it sucks and is terrible…we should honor those feelings, at least for “one day a week” (see her song “sunday afternoon”). and i think she has a point.

i have been really caught up in pushing everything negative out. not talking about it. not mentioning it. not feeling it. and while i think that has a good place in keeping me in a positive state–i also think it does an diservice to those things that are really sitting deep in my chest. they don’t go away. they don’t build up. they just sit there. and today, in my car, they all came to a fucking breaking point.

(side note: it isn’t safe to drive while having a break down)

for several months i didn’t give this blog address to many people. obviously, things were going on that i didn’t really feel like sharing with a million people, but i needed to write them down. i have no idea who reads this now…but i think it is quite a few people. some who know me well and some who don’t. but my writing is something that will always be out there. it will always be availble. because it HAS to be.

my husband never read a poem i wrote. not in 7 years. i wonder how he even joked himself into thinking he knew me.

people who love me pay attention. and i write for them as much for me.

so what i want to say tonight is that i am sitting here on the edge…you know, that one that no one ever thinks i sit on. the one where everything sort of comes to a head and you think that driving yoruself off the overpass on the highway might be a good idea…and then you remember that you have dogs who are hungry, so you don’t. 🙂

let me break it down for you. because, you see, i think if i put this shit out here….then i can get it out of myself.

my house isn’t selling. my mortgage just went up 200 bucks month and the bills that were supposed to be 50/50 in the divorce have ended up on my plate anyway and i am making about 200 bucks less a month than i need to–just to pay my bills.

the ex has been kicked out of his apartment, has no job, no phone and no real residence. i have no way of contacting him. even if i were to get an offer on the house, i have no idea what i would do in order to hunt him down to sign papers. and i can’t foreclose on the house because i have to have the money to pay the debt that he was supposed to pay.

then there is work….bad economy….stress…trying to find business wherever i can. high stress all around.

and then, i have been working on a presentaiton on death for school. DEATH! what was i thinking?????

and as much as i have avoided writing about it in this blog…the wonderful person i have been involved with for the past 5 months or so is dealing with some things that i wish i could fix, take away, end, solve, remove from his life. and i can’t. and that haunts our relationship and i hate it. falling in love when i was young was easy. falling in love as an adult, with adult people, with adult issues and feelings, is not what i was expecting.

but i love him nonetheless and he is on my mind in most every moment.

and i keep thinking of this ani difranco lyric:

i know men are delicate
origami creatures
who need women to unfold them
hold them when they cry
but i am tired of being your savior
and i am tired of telling you why
and since when did this me me me
become the be all and end all of me
oh listen to you talk to me
long time love has got to breathe, babe
you got to let it ebb and flow
if you want a ball to bounce
you gotta let it go
just let it go

and i keep thinking that i need to just let it flow….just let it flow. and if i do, things will all work out. i tell myself the HAVE to. so, they will.

and on top of it all, i am missing my best friend. the person i told it all to for two years. i have said goodbye to so many things and i am sick of saying goodbye.

i can’t say goodbye to much more before i throw shit at shit. lol. sometimes it all feels like rejection. sometimes it all feels like people tell me i am too good, but not good enough. sometimes i feel like the only person who gets me is me….and i can’t hold myself at night when i am sad. the dogs try…but it just isn’t the same as real arms.

so i put in a good album, write a shitty sad blog, drink a bottle of wine, and try to have faith that the next thing that comes my way will make me feel better.

in the meantime, i listen to ani difranco and try to fall asleep, unsuccessfully.


Categories: Uncategorized

4 replies »

  1. There’s nothing quite like a good cry. I am a big supporter. It’s how you release that emotion that you don’t know what the hell to do with – the emotion that isn’t changed by rationalization or explanation. Hopefully your cry was a wonderful release. Next, try it in the bathtub, with a glass of wine! Ha ha. Anyway, I love you.

  2. You made me cry – I am so glad that I’ve had the chance to get to know you. You make me feel less alone and more understood. Even if you don’t know it.

  3. someone whom i hold almost dearest told me once that if you dont let yourself feel the bad, that it ends up being like the oooold tupperware container of tunafish you forgot about in the back of the fridge. the more you try to ignore it, the more you try to pretend it isnt there, the more you try to tell yourself you dont need to empty the container and wash it out (regardless of how much its going to suck), the worse and worse its going to get. the stink doesnt resolve and clean itself. i have found that to be so profound and important in my life and the reason for so many of my actions. i thought that maybe, just maybe (hopefully) that helps you feel better about feeling these things you need to feel. chels, i gotta be honest- i look up to you for all that you handle and do successfully. you are a brilliant, beautiful, passionate, capable, responsible woman. but after reading this blog, my admiration for you has skyrocketed. im proud of you chels. stay strong and know that of all the bullshit you’ve delt with these past 2 or so years, some seriously amazing good karma is coming your way. inevitably. that’s just how the universe works. i love you so.

  4. I wish there was something amazing and profound I could say to you. But I’m not that gifted of a writer. What I am is a gifted listener and, at times, psychic advisor, lol. Feel free to use me at will….Love you Chels. Always.

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