school is out. vacation is over. roommate is gone. quite house.
free time has entered my life. i have a love/hate relationship with free time. it is a foreign concept to me, first off. i can’t remember the last time i actually had time to…um, do whatever. i mean, i guess there were a few years in between undergrad and grad school, but i can’t really remember ever having “free” time like i do now.
the past few weeks have been strange for me. when i got home from vacation, work pretty much strangled me and wrestled me to the ground. it was pissed i was gone for so long and was going to set me straight. it was insanely busy and playing catch up is one of my most hated things ever of all time. ever. of all time. it was a rude welcome back to reality. in the meantime, my roommate was moving out and getting her new place all set, so she was rarely there. my house was quiet like i had never heard it before. it is now even more quiet now that she is completely out.
i had a good friend come into town from portland over memorial weekend. this was good. i threw a party at my house and we did a few other things while he was here. the weekend was generally weird due to some tension that had been building between another friend and myself…but like you know, i don’t really talk about that kind of stuff here. let’s just say, the good and the bad piggy backed each other all weekend which made it strange and wonderful all at once. sort of like my life has been for the past year. i had a moment over the weekend that sort of had me reevaluating everything that has happened to me in the past year–and for the few days after that, i was feeling more than a little down in the dumps/toilette bowl/depressed black hole. at my party, i went up to my room around 12:30 or so…to check on something, i can’t even remember what. i laid down on my bed for just a minute, and fell asleep on accident. when i woke up (friends texting me) i felt a bit more intoxicated than i had thought i was, so i didn’t get up. next thing i knew, the party was leaving and quite a bit of time had passed. my friend heidi said they had locked up and then house was all of a sudden quiet. i got up and walked to the end of the stairs and looked down at my house that had just been full of people i loved…which was now dark and stingingly silent. i had an extremely overwhelming feeling of lonliness that didn’t really leave me until last night. well, at to be honest, still isn’t quite gone.
i have never been lonely so vividly. ever.
tuesday night i hung out with john. i hadn’t seen him in three months (nearly). it was great to catch up, hang out, and be ‘friends’ for a few hours. but the longer he was there, the more it just felt like he was home, and the more lonely i got. because he wasn’t home. that “home” no longer exists. this is what i am just realizing. the night ended with both of us deciding that it was too difficult to do that kind of thing, and it wouldn’t be happening again. i went back home to more empty.
long story short: i have not processed anything that i thought i had. i don’t think i have had time. i don’t think i have been ready. i have been home more in the past week then i had been in the past 3 months combined, and now i am finally understanding what has happened, what i have lost, what i have gained, and how unsure i am of everything that my future has to offer or repossess. i have no clear picture of what will happen in the next year, let alone the next three weeks. i have no clear picture of myself. i have no clear picture of what exactly i want.
i am relearning everything.
i am happy to be relearning everything. but it feels paralyzing sometimes. last night, i couldn’t hang with the bummed out feelings anymore. so, i took charge a bit. or at least, i tried. i looked at my house as i pulled in the driveway and i said to myself “this bitch is gonna sell”. yes, i called my house a bitch–because it deserved it. it has been sitting there, not participating in its own future, and putting out some sort of ‘no sale’ vibe…and i’ve had it! hahah. the house and i had a little talk. the universe and i had a little talk. and i got to work. i mowed, i cleaned, i took pictures off the damn walls. this house is gonna want to spit me out cause i am giving it no love. it is being stripped of all chelseahood until it gets as lonely as i am and wants someone to love it again. (damn, what an analogy!).
i do not feel like i can start seeing anything with a clear picture until i am out of that house. boo hiss!!!! i have loved it too much and it is time to break up. i am getting good at breaking up…
in the past few weeks i have learned a lot about myself. i have learned that i am not quite over the fact that i am a single person, that the house i built with my husband doesn’t actually hold any of the things i thought it would when we built it, that removing myself emotionally from the space that i live in is mandatory, and that i am the boss of the universe. 🙂 in addition, i have also learned/realized that i have brand new people in my life who are amazing that weren’t there a year ago, that i do not have to be friendly to anyone who treats me like shit, and that i get to choose who i want in my life and who i don’t. being nice isn’t always the best option, and apologizing for something that you aren’t sorry for never comes across sincere. and lastly, people who want you in their life will make an effort and those who don’t will find an excuse to remove you. for those of you making an effort, you are the reason i am not a pile of depression mush that can’t get out of bed. for those of you who can’t get past themselves to make an effort, find someone else to let them treat you like shit, cause this girl doesn’t put up with it.
only i decide what is important to me. and that is the picture that becomes more clear moment by moment.