so, it has been just over a year since i started this blog. my first entry was September 16th, which was 15 days after my ex husband moved out of our house. September 1st is an anniversary of sorts. there has been a lot said in this blog over a year and a lot has happened. in fact, so much so that it should probably be five years worth of events. the winds do not feel like they have even begun to settle, but at least they have blown me somewhere different than where i was.
i can’t really even process the last year in any way that is normal. i feel as though i have just been living my life the same as i always have until i actually sit and think about the changes that i have undergone. i do feel as though i have just barely started living a new life in a mildly settled way. by “settled”, i mean that life has a sort of directional purpose. mostly, that is grad school. second, it is work. third, it is trying to get sleep. forth, perhaps keeping an overactive social life. last, trying to figure out men and what the hell they are thinking and why they make everything so incredibly difficult! 🙂 school and work are constants, keeping me grounded, keeping me getting up in the morning. everything else teeters from amazing one day to sending me into the pits of despair the next.
i am constantly exhausted. constantly. mostly, i think the sleep i DO get is not quality. mostly, i roll over checking my phone every two hours like a compulsive freak–just in case….just in case. i have gotten too used to allowing people to think i am available to them 24/7. by people, i mean one person.
i guess i just still feel so much in transition. mostly, because i am still not used to the things and people i have had to give up. sometimes i feel tortured because rather than process anything, i choose to simply not think about it and press forward. i am pretty sure i have never learned to really process anything major–or rather the way that i process is by brushing it off and staying busy. i think that usually always comes back around at some point, right? so, instead of moving on, i get wrapped up in the torrents of emotional instability because they come flooding back at times. or, i wake up in the middle of the night and still forget where i am. or that i am alone. or that my dog’s foot is in my face. 😉
i do not deal well with being lonely. this puts me in precarious situations. this puts me in situations where i put up with WAY more than i should. in a way, i honestly think i am too exhausted to deal with it. this kind of thinking is just asking for people to treat me like crap. i am trying to find the gusto to get out of that habit i have created. so far, no gusto. so far, i still just choose to be unaffected…knowing the whole time, that i am more effected than I care to admit. maybe i am so used to being with people (men) who are completely unavailable to me, that i just figure that is how it goes. so, i take what i can get from those people i love, even when what i usually get is the metaphorical equivalent of a slap in the face. or a punch. yeah, a punch. and then a slap. and then perhaps one of those annoying flicks on the tip of the nose. and then, tripped.
i feel there now. flat on my face, completely perplexed. awesome.
but hey, i am writing some good poetry!
if i could just get some sleep, maybe i could pick my damn self up!!! 🙂
so, for a year, however–i feel like i have come a good ways. i am in a rad house. living alone is like BLISS. living downtown is amazing! dogs are happy. friends are supportive. fall is good. i like buying new boots. you know, so there are some things.
pearl jam on monday will be one of those.
always gotta have a good band to go see coming up. that is my savior sometimes. music. music and rilke. poetry. hugs that matter. crisp morning air. newness.
that is one thing: i ALWAYS am feeling new. everyday is a surprise. new people. new things. new sounds. new heartbreaks.