where the hell have i been?

i haven’t really felt like writing lately. i am not sure why. i haven’t been doing it here or anywhere. i don’t like this. not at all.

this week has been interesting and sort of pensive for me. i am finding that my motivation is absolutely gone for school and work. i don’t want to go to class and i have no desire to read the ever interesting microsoft book, “beyond bullet points”. really, i could care less. same goes for work. i kind of hate it right now. i am feeling a bit stuck and a bit underwhelmed. i think that perhaps if spring, nay SUMMER, would actually get here, it might make a difference. also, i am very much set on the idea of a vacation. i really really need one. it has been a year since my cruise, and i need to get on the beach for a week. i think sun and downtime would actually help. the sun will come–the downtime, i am not sure of.

this week one of my best friends in the world, rachel, also ended up in the hospital due to a freak reaction to an antibiotic. it isn’t a good thing with you don’t have platelets in your blood, and that is exactly what was going on with her. i consider the situation and had it been different…had her husband not been home, had she not had the amazing forethought and medical education she had, had she been under totally different circumstances, the end result could have been very dire. as it turns out, 3 days in the hospital and constantly monitoring of her blood has helped and she was discharged today. i have been thinking a lot about how this could have gone wrong in so many ways and am so very grateful that it ended up like it did. i have also been thinking a lot about the idea that i have never even considered the idea that these girlfriends of mine could undergo any number of situations that could change their lives or christ jesus forbid, take one of them away. as i have been studying death for nearly 2 years, i have never even thought of the idea of losing one of them. sure, you consider family, parents, grandparents, spouses, children all of that. i have no idea why my girlsquad never crossed my mind–probably cause i think we are invincible and freaking amazing. so, i have really been thinking long and hard about the sheer quickness of life and how any one of us, at any time, could suddenly be gone. ew. i hate even typing that. effing rachel making me consider this crap! haha. anyway, as i am getting older, so many things are reminding me of the nature of how fleeting time and life is. i also get more okay with that the more i come to terms with it. my death research has also helped with this. and each experience that i have that shows me the preciousness of life, i am thankful for. i have a renewed sense of appreciation for not only my friend of TWENTY TWO years, rachel–but of everyone close to me in general.

so, there is that.

still eating organic and loving it. feeling good and been having fun cooking for some friends. i have to admit, i am a damn fine cook and i love it. i love cooking for people. who knew i had this in me? it has only been in the past two years or so that i have actually come to terms with the fact that cooking is pretty awesome. maybe it is that i cook for one now, and i can cook whatever i think tastes good. or maybe it is because i cook for friends and it feels awesome when they like it. who knows. all i know is that it has become a sort of meditation for me. a wind down. a time to be relaxed and home.

i am mellowing out in my old age it seems.

oh wait, but then again, i did just get a new tattoo. i thought it was about time to scar all of the research and time i have put into death. for me, this has been quite an experience that has changed me…and still changes me. so, i wanted to commemorate that on my body. my body that is so very temporary. like ani says, “realize a tattoo is no more permanent than i am”. i like that my body is temporary. but i like taking spiritual things with me on my body for the rest of my life. tattoos for me are more than art–they are a memory that you can never forget. and my death studies are something i do not want to ever leave behind because they have changed me. so, in honor of death AND birth, i have gotten an owl tattoo which represents both. and, is pretty and girly. šŸ™‚ and OUCH.

other than that, i am just hanging out a lot. wishing for nice weather. listening to a lot of music. and, being obsessed with netflix. currently, i am super into The Tudors. HOT.



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