once in a while, i get a hankering to go back in this blog and read some of my first posts. this afternoon, i did that almost by accident, and forgot how much this little blog has helped me to translate what has been the craziness of my life in the past 2 years. i feel proud of myself.
last night i was talking to some friends about divorce and the fall out and the rebuilding that comes along with it. we were all in various stages of being in or out of divorces and i sat in my car on the drive home so thankful for my experience and the person that it has made me. and not just the divorce, of course, but the complete dissolution of what my life used to be and the chance to start creating some sort of experience that was truly mine alone.
it is obvious to me now why i did the things i did after my life got its ass kicked in 2008: who i chose to date, the books i read, the music i listened to–everything. i was trying so hard to stay afloat, when really, i was completely drowning almost all of the time. i am proud of myself for keeping it together back then because really, i was a true full-blown mess of a person. as i read through my posts and remember all of those experiences, the weight that i was carrying, and trying so hard to connect with new people, i feel so grateful for the person i am today.
at 30, i never thought i would be where i am. and thank god, i am not where i thought i was supposed to be. i have learned that “supposed to” is the worst thing that you can tell yourself or expect of anyone. “supposed to” is an ass hole. people do not do what they are supposed to do and this is something i have come to terms with. and, it is something that i have had to give myself a break on. i am not “supposed” to be or do anything that i don’t want to be or do. period. and that feels good.
i am a strong ass woman who knows, more than many others, how to hold her own. after the bullshit that i have seen in the past 2 years, i am now empowered to stick to my guns and make people treat me better (namely men). if you don’t, then eff off. i don’t need someone by my side, in my bed, or in my heart. frankly, i have figured out how to love myself enough that i don’t need the unhealthy attention that i seemed to have attracted to myself for the past 3 or 4 years. i am done with unhealthy. i am also done with expectations.
now, i am all about requirements. 🙂
the good news is that my requirements have changed so drastically over the past 3 years that i finally feel as though i have a grip on what i really want from the people in my life. after reading through so many old posts today, i see that my friendships have carried me and pulled me out of very rough waters so many times, and i wonder why i could attract so many amazing friends and then on the other hand, attract so many crazy unavailable men. i think it is because i was so broken hearted by two very important relationships in my life, that any attention or love after that felt better than the complete heart break those two men left me with. i couldn’t fight. i couldn’t argue. i couldn’t stand up for myself. i was completely defeated. i was hollowed out and my first instinct was to fill my heart and soul up with ANYTHING that felt ok at the moment. in all reality, for 4 years, all i have gotten from any man in my life are moments of love. minutes of connecting. seconds of loyalty. and a whole lot of bullshit in between. while things such as education, jobs, careers, talent, charm, looks, and money have their place, these things do not create a person who can love. i want someone who understands me and wants me everyday because of it. attributes like thoughtfulness, affection, motivation, loyalty, and the ability to make me smile much more than you make me cry are top on my list. i know they sound like things that are a given, but they sure haven’t been for me–obviously. unavailable, crazy, flaky, boring, uninteresting and just plain mean sure have made it though.
most of all of that was my fault for allowing things into my life that had no place. i completely understand that now.
so, now what. now nothing. i am living for myself and loving myself, and since i have been doing that with such passion the past few months, i feel everything around me changing. i can feel myself pulling in the good things. i can feel myself falling in love with my life again, which i haven’t been able to do for so long. i own every emotion and every choice. and i have finally said goodbye to the hurt, guilt, and loyalty for those who don’t deserve it. what comes next is irrelevant…but i know it will be good. because i am not the person i used to be who would settle for ok.
my first post on this blog was my first semester of grad school. next semester is my last. this time has been nothing but growth and finding out who this new chelsea is. i am just happy to feel like i have finally found her. and i fucking love her.