more than any other time of year, the autumn effs with me. i am haunted by so many things in the past that linger like heavy air in my chest. it is like the leaves start changing and all of a sudden, i am reliving every relationship that i miss, every song that i love, every experience that burned into my skin, every word i once wrote, every heart-heavy longing that i fought for. when the trees change color, i feel like all the skin i thought i had once shed is actually still hanging on for dear life to every bone in my body.

i miss everything right now. all at once. and anything new feels fraudulent. memories are always more palpable and passionate and disparate (no, not desperate–although, maybe a bit of that too) than the events/people/places actually were. or, so i like to tell myself.

so here is to the things i am missing today, which i won’t name, because that would be a long list of bullshit that you don’t all want to read.

**holds up her organic pale ale in a toast**


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