things in my brain

do you remember the old myspace days when the big thing was to fill out those stupid surveys and then post them on the bulletin board? and then when facebook started to become a big deal people were posting them in their “notes?” well, for some reason today i was cleaning up my facebook (i am sick of facebook i think…) and went into my notes section and read a bunch of them.

weird.

however, it was kind of interesting to remember all the crap that was going on at the time. funny how you answer questions like “if you could go anywhere on vacation where would it be?” or “what are three bands you want to see before you die?”, you can remember EXACTLY what/who/where/when/how was going on in your life at the moment.

do you ever think back to not so long ago and feel like it was INCREDIBLY long ago? how does time fly by so fast and then stand still at the same time? how can 3 months go by and in moments it feels like 2 seconds and in other it feels like a year? i think that the older i get the more time freaks me out.

i remember a very specific day when i was 16, driving in my mom’s mini van, and something on the radio made me think about the age 30. in that moment i COULD NOT process 30. i couldn’t imagine what i would look like or what i would be doing. i remember wondering what kind of shoes i would have on, as if age 30 was one short day, and not a whole year of life. red heels. i hoped i would wear red heels. and something about a cool car…

which is strange because i could care less about cars, even at 16. maybe driving the mini van was traumatic in some way.

anyway, i have been sitting here thinking i am old and not feeling old. thinking i should have done more and that i have done a lot. thinking that the 10 years between 21 and 31 feel like they evaporated into thin air and that while i have always felt like “myself,” i am really only now starting to feel like the person i will be for the rest of my life. and thinking that i need to have some babies before another 10 years flies by and evaporates. what an effing scary thought.

sometimes i feel like i haven’t created anything substantial. and, maybe even if i have, i will always feel like that somehow.

everything is always transitioning, but this is the first time i have felt like the transitioning is mellowing me out in a way that i really want to slow down my life. sit on my porch. garden. write more poems. settle. be quiet. be pensive. listen to slow music. maybe if i don’t live the next 10 years as hard and fast as the last ten, they will last longer.

then again, sometimes i am afraid to sleep because i will miss it all.

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