I keep reading these…

considering them as what they were intended to be: suggestions on how to live a happy life.

1) Give up your need to always be right.
2) Give up your need for control.
3) Give up on blame.
4) Give up your self-defeating self talk.
5) Give up your limiting beliefs.
6) Give up complaining.
7) Give up the luxury of criticism.
8) Give up your need to impress others.
9) Give up your resistance to change.
10) Give up labels.
11) Give up on your fears.
12) Give up your excuses.
13) Give up the past.
14) Give up attachment.
15) Give up living your life to other people’s expectations.

I feel like I should take a month and work on each of these–and then in 15 months everything would be perfect, right?  Yeah, I know better than that.  Life always throws you curve balls regardless of what you are working on, what you are on your way to becoming, or what you think your life will look like in 15 months–or 15 years.  But something about these few things makes me feel like I could get at the heart of much of what is left in my life that I struggle with.  But why?

Some I have already conquered.  The need to be right for example.  Sometimes I go the other way to a fault.  What?  You say the sky is green?  Fine.  You are totally right.  I have no desire to argue–with anyone. Ever.  That last part is what gets tricky.  Because guess what?  Sometimes, I am right.  I just really could care less about making a point when I know left from right in my own brain.  For Christ’s sake, we all know the sky isn’t green.

The need for control is hard for me, always has been.  But over the past 5 years it has become much easier.  Life has taught me that I can’t control most things–or ANY person.  But what I do have control over is my own happiness and how I react to and deal with things.  I CAN control that.  Always. But that is something we have to learn–not something we can just “give up.”  however, i know i can’t control the weather, but a rainy day will probably always make me feel blue.  three rainy days in a row will make me want to self-harm.

That sort of coincides with blame too.  I can’t blame anyone for anything.  My life is my choice.  If others screw up, sure, it might effect me in some way, but then that goes back to control.  I have none.  So, whatever.

Makes me feel like I am blase’ about most things. I am not, I am just a grown up.

Do things roll of my shoulders too easily these days?  Sometimes I wonder.  Sometime I don’t care if that even IS the case.  Then, I have really answered my own question.  ***should I care MORE??***

Fears?  Sure.  I hate heights.  That is not something that will ever change, I don’t care how many cliffs I stand on or ski lifts I ride up.  Conquer?  Nope.  WILL NEVER HAPPEN.  But shit like death and losing love and all those other really huge overarching emotional things I try to rationalize into logic–study, read about, etc–and they don’t ever really go away either.  But, hey, guess what?  I can’t control those things either.  So, back to the whatever.

Is this post apathetic or what?  It didn’t mean to be. 🙂

I think that many of the things on this list are integral to our lives.  They somehow make us who we are–what we are scared of, how we view the world (even through labels), how we expect things and people to behave, and the attachment we have to things like people, music, art, pets, and even sometimes something like a pair of jeans that just fucking FIT right.  Pretty much my conclusion is that giving up on all of these things kind of means giving up on what makes us individuals.  What makes us different.  What makes us CARE.  Maybe giving up on all of these things would make me feel more “free” in the end–but for now, I sort of embrace many of these suggested “things to give up,” while at the same time–being able to figure out (the older I get) how to keep things close, but not too close.  And to push some things away, but never far enough to let them go completely.

But then again, that sort of sounds like you never really have anything at all.  And maybe we really don’t.


Categories: Poetry

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