I always told myself that I would write profusely when I got pregnant and had children, as to not forget every little amazing detail. Then I got pregnant. And, while it was amazing – it also kind of sucked. I kept a private blog written to Clementine while I was pregnant, detailing milestones, weeks, and pounds gained. Sometimes I included thoughts about becoming a mother – what scared me, what I was excited for, what I worried about. But I didn’t write as much as I wanted. Now, this stuff has been marinating in my chest for a while – and well, it was just time to put it out there. I knew I was going to enjoy being a mom. But never, in a million years, could I have understood the level of full-body obsession that would overtake who I am completely. Becoming her mom has defined me in ways that I couldn’t have expected, known, or foresaw.
Everyone says, you can’t understand that kind of love until you have a child. I always thought that was kind of a cliche´thing to say. Now, I fully realize what that means. What that love is. It flattens me on a daily basis. It breaks my heart and completely fills me up. How I love that kid is completely molecular, out of this world, star-based, and revolutionary. I am pretty sure no one else has ever loved anything as much as I love her. And to say that it is “love” is sort of strange, because it is more somehow. It is a cellular attachment and affinity. Maybe that sounds creepy, but I think part of creating life inside of yourself embodies that idea. As she grows, she becomes less of an extension of myself and more of her own little person – but there is a very real and very deep physical integration that just totally threw me.
This sort of maternal bond has created a very different person out of me. Yes, I am still Chelsea (I still have my same job, write the same food blog, have the same friends, etc) – but everything, EVERYTHING – is perceived differently by me now. My past experiences feel and look different to me than they did a few months ago. The filter which I view my entire world is enhanced and truly more deep and affected. I love my husband more. I love my life more. I feel like my entire DNA switched everything up and just went ahead and wrapped itself entirely around my little family in protection. I will never be just me again. I never want to be just me again. I can never go about life in the same manner. With every smile that kid gives me (which is a LOT), I warp into some kind of ridiculous, over-brilliant, bounding, crazy mother light force with the power to flatten all the bad that exists in the world. She has given me capacity that I didn’t know I had in me. It is the best feeling I have ever had – and to know that I created this little person with the only other human in the world that I love THAT much makes me just about lose it on a daily basis.
So, what have I learned from motherhood in 4 short months? Yeah, it has nothing to do with sleep schedules, breast feeding, or parenting in general. Those things matter, but I am not embarrassed to admit I haven’t read one parenting book yet. And, I might not ever read one. What being Clementine’s mom has taught me so far, is that THIS — THIS is what my life is all about. THIS is what I want to feel in life more than anything. I have learned that this little family of 3 has enough love to spark this whole world on fire. ❤